


Let us assume (that nothing ever stays the same)

by CicadaFodder



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Dialogue Heavy, Getting Together, Humor, M/M, Metafiction, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 20:48:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14410275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CicadaFodder/pseuds/CicadaFodder
Summary: Now Shane wasn’t the most normal of dudes...





	Let us assume (that nothing ever stays the same)

**Author's Note:**

> With all due apologies to Helen, Sara & the world at large.

Now Shane wasn’t the most normal of dudes. He was quite aware of the fact. Even past his lanky height and the fact a seeming third of his job consisted of poking through spooky ruins and talking about murder, he was still a bit weird. He didn’t mind that, in fact he was quite okay with letting his freak flag fly. In that sense, Buzzfeed was a good fit for him, because ultimately a lot of Buzzfeed’s content was designed to appeal to people like him, and thus having this content presented by people like him was ultimately desirable. Another layer of viewer engagement, so to speak. It was the same reason why Ryan’s twitchy paranoiac thing fit in so well, and why they fit so well with each other.

That the internet was wearing shipping goggles and gave him a lot of wanking material was just a bonus.

So yeah, he was the type of weird dude who yanked it to a coworker, so what? A) What Ryan didn’t know didn’t make him angry and B) he was keeping his hands to himself. That was more than could be said about some other media personalities out there.

And really, anyone under 40 who’d ever been on the internet (so… anyone about the Amish) knew about fanfiction. Sure, as a dude he was more supposed to gravitate towards to run-of-the-mill power fantasy rather than the… hard romance side of things, but hey, if the internet aspired to be his personal coworker-related spankbank, why the hell not.

He was still taking care to leave his hobby at home, mind. He never used his phone for it, only his tablet, and that tablet stayed home, locked and sure as hell never connected to any of his public accounts. 

Maybe it was a bit paranoid, but no matter how relaxed Buzzfeed was, there still were boundaries, Ryan had more than enough reasons to go ballistic if he found out, and HR would be more than happy to give him the boot if it came to it. He was replaceable – it was the format that was popular, not necessarily the host, and he had no illusions that Ruining History wouldn’t survive with any other host. 

At least that’s what he thought until Ryan brought it up.

\---

“Hey, did you know there’s a lot of fanfiction about us?”

Shane very deliberately finished his mouthful of coffee, set the mug down and turned to Ryan. “Oh?”

“Yeah, like on Tumblr and so on. I die quite a bit and then haunt you – as I should, come to think of it.”

“Oh, come on, no negativity here. You need to stick around, seeing how ghosts aren’t real.”

Ryan gave him an unimpressed look. “You just wait for it, you’ll eat your words at some point.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes, sure, but I’d still prefer if you didn’t take that as an invitation to go bungee jumping without a cord because you think you can throw my cutlery on the floor afterwards.”

“That doesn’t even make sense!”

“It makes all the sense in the world, you just can’t see it.”

“…whatever you say. Anyway, wanna guess what they do with you?”

“I shudder to think.”

“Hah, you totally thought they turn you into Bigfoot just now, didn’t you?”

Shane gave Ryan an unblinking stare, and Ryan just cracked up, leaving Shane even more unimpressed. Still wheezing somewhat, he got back to it. “No, sadly they don’t go the very obvious and quite accurate route.”

“Shut up.”

“Never! No, they turn you into a demon. Anything you’ve got to confess to me, my dude?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Aw, come on, not hiding any horns under that floppage you call a haircut?”

“Sorry to disappoint, demons don’t exist, so obviously I’m not one.”

“And a serial killer?”

“Wait, what the hell?”

“Yeah, that’s the other thing. ‘Shane I-kill-people-for-the-heck-of-it Madej at your service’. It’s pretty popular.”

“What gave the internet that idea? If anyone, they should pick you as the serial killer! You’re the normal dude, no one would suspect, you’re basically tiny Dexter!”

Ryan chortled into his coffee. “Okay, so 1) fuck you, I’m not tiny, you’re just a beanpole and 2) have you heard yourself talk, Mr Bloodhead? What else can the internet take from your dead-fish-eyes-while-talking-about-guts-and-gore shtick? There’s only so much legit denial you get before even the most oblivious person picks up on the fact that you’re a weird, weird dude.”

“In what world does ‘is a bit weird’ translate into being a serial killer? If anything, it should exclude me – the weird people are so weird they immediately get caught when they  
snap, so they never become serial killers. The Gacys and the Dahmers get the body counts, the Geins get like three in and that’s it.”

“That you can argue that with a straight face just proves how weird you are.”

“Oh come on, as if you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

They bantered on, and Shane minutely relaxed. Ryan seemed to have stuck to the PG end (if serial killer AUs could be considered PG) end of the scale. Apparently his poker face wouldn’t get the workout of its life today. 

But, quite obviously, the second this thought occurred to him, Ryan “I live to torture Shane Madej with bullshit” Bergara swerved. 

“Okay, your creeper tendencies aside, did you know they write porn about us?”

Fuck.

“Ooookay… they do?”

“Yeah, like a shitload. I usually top.”

“Fuck off, you bottom all the time.”

Ryan stared at him… and then started smirking.

“You’ve read it!”

Shane felt his everything clench. So much for keeping his job, then.

Oblivious, Ryan continued on. 

“Have you read one of those where we fuck at one of the Unsolved Supernatural locations? As if that were possible, with the crew around. Plus, I’d never let myself be distracted from the ghosts just to climb your beanstalk.”

Shane missed his cue to laugh, too startled and panicky to laugh it off.

“Shane? Hey, Madej! What’s wrong? Too shocked the internet thinks I top you?”

“You’re… okay with this?”

“With what?”

“Me reading porn about us?”

“Sure, why not? I mean, they’re not wrong, we’re pretty hot together.”

“…how are you okay with it? I mean, I basically just admitted to wanking to you.”

“Yeah, well, you know… can’t throw stones here in my glasshouse.”

Shane blinked a couple of times. “Excuse me?”

“What, is that a problem for you?”

“Hold on, hold on,” Shane pinched his nose. “You’re telling me that it’s okay if I read porn about us because you’ve masturbated to porn about us? Is that what you’re telling me right now.”

“Yeah? Sorry, was that too TMI for you?”

“TMI aside, if you’ve yanked it to me, why haven’t you ever, like, hit on me?”

“Stop with the valley girl, that’s unattractive on you. And also, I hit on you all the time. You’re just oblivious as fuck.”

“Oblivious? You’re calling me oblivious, when I’ve been flirting with you for two years straight and you’ve never given me the time of day?”

“Hold your horses, pause this. So I’ve been flirting with you and you with me, but the only ones to pick up on it were the internet, who then proceeded to write a shitload of fanfic where I top you and we both, independently of each other, found it and wanked to it on the regular, is that it?”

“Apart from the fact that *I* top, thank you very much, that seems to be it.”

“Don’t kid yourself, Madej, I top you. And wow, that’s probably the dumbest way anyone’s ever gotten together with someone else.”

“What?”

“Well, obviously we now need to take this for a test drive. The internet has decreed it.”

“You do realize the internet is full of Pepes and trolls, right? You really think this is a good idea?”

“Well, you’re not green and your stick insect limbs don’t fit under a bridge, so I don’t see any problems here.”

Shane rubbed his face. “…I give up. Your place or mine?”

“I’m pretty sure I have the better lube, but you’ll never fit in my bed. How about I get the lube and a pizza, and then we’ll ruin your sheets?”

“…deal.”

Turns out Shane wasn’t the only one comfortable with his freak flag.

(Also, Ryan was right, the sheets were more fit for burning than washing once they were through with two years’ worth of pent-up tease)


End file.
